Greg Durocher | Coach, Teacher, Entrepreneur

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  • Choices

    from the woman’s side of things… We all have a choice. And there is always a choice.

    This is something I am teaching our children. I give them choices for almost everything. Of course the choices are within my boundaries so either one works for me and if they choose poorly they suffer the consequences.  I want my children to have a sense of themselves and learn there are natural consequences for every choice, some good and some bad. I feel it’s also important for them to learn to take responsibility for their choices.

    I especially want to teach my children they have a choice in how they feel. It is even the topic of my first children’s book. They can choose how to feel about any given situation. It’s up to them (all of us) to decide if they want to feel good or bad, then act accordingly.

    This having a choice message seems to be the message this week to me as well. I’ve had two references to it from different places. One is something I copied from a book while I was going through a difficult time. Since that time has come back to haunt me, as times like that can do, I was rereading some old notes:

    “In any unpleasant situation, we have a choice. We are free to choose how we respond. We can choose a healthy response or an unhealthy response. We can choose to become bitter or become better. Obviously, in the beginning, we’re going to intensely feel hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. And that’s normal. But in the long run, we have to decide what to do with those feelings. We can let them sit and fester or we can decide to let go of them. If we chose to hang on to all our anger, hurt, and frustration, we’re going to get bitter, not better.” (I’d offer the title and author but I can’t remember where exactly it came from.)

    Pain can come from many places whether caused by another or caused by tragedy or loss. Even in pain we have a choice. We can choose resentment and anger and ultimately suffering. Or we can choose to take it as a learning experience, grow and move forward, move on. It’s a choice.

    Pain may be an inevitable part of life, but suffering is not. Suffering is optional. To suffer is a choice you make and forgiveness is the key to dislodge the suffering.

    I’ve heard forgiveness described as not for the offender but for the “victim” of the offense. Forgiveness does not mean removing consequences. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, a gift that heals your heart. Forgiveness is not always the easy choice. But I think it’s easier to choose near the beginning of the pain than after time has hardened the suffering inside your heart and it has become a part of you.

    I get to choose. I always get to choose. And I choose love and forgiveness.

  • When the ‘Firehouse Groupie’ Crushes on Your Husband

    The other day I was having an email conversation with a new acquaintance who is a “firefighter wife.” She brought up a scenario that has played out in virtually every fire department or station the country over. Her question was this, “What should a firefighter do when the underage young lady he is responding to becomes infatuated with him?  Tries to stop by the firehouse?  Tries to social network with him?  Tries to become his friend?”

    Here is what I came up with as a response:

    In a nutshell, the question that I think is important is, what is it that this kind of attention from a young lady sparks in a man? I believe it serves to light up his natural desire to be a hero/leader or just desired or wanted. In other words his fundamental human need of feeling significant. We ALL have it. The only question is, how is it being met?

    From the perspective of a firefighter turned Relationship Coach, I would be curious, does a fireman’s wife have the tools/strategies and willingness to “light him up?” Is he committed to lighting her up?

    It is unlikely they have ever had the conversation, if they did not consciously know they each have a fundamental NEED to feel significant or important. I assure you, if a married fireman (or any man) has a wife who is committed to meeting his 6 Human Needs at home he will tell any “young lady” to go find someone her own age to flirt with, saying “I got my WORLD at home.” Giving her an answer like that would interrupt her attention seeking pattern. The reality is that she is likely seeking to fill the same need of significance by her behavior. Two people who are both trying to feel significant will likely go down the same “unhealthy” path of meeting the need in each other (aka infidelity) given the absence of a healthy, positive, constructive and fulfilling option.

    OK so that is the likely structure of the problem as I see it. Seeking to fill the need for “significance”.

    How to handle it from a devoted fireman husband’s perspective?

    1. Compassion: I would hallucinate that young ladies exhibiting this behavior likely do not not have very high self worth. She is striving desperately to get attention from the firemen and possibly demeaning her true feminine nature in the process.
    2. Example: Give her an example of how a devoted man treasures his wife and family. Tell her, “I get everything I need and more from home. (assuming that is a true statement) Please stop…{whatever it is she is doing}.” She will now have a reference for how she deserves to be treated/treasured some day by someone else.
    3. Reframe: Go “dad” on her and ask her questions like, “Do you realize that you are making a fool of yourself?, do you realize that this behavior is making you look cheap?, or what is it that you are really looking for?” You can remind her, “You have everything you need within. Find it there and you will find your gift to give the world. I assure you will never find it by trying to be a ‘firehouse groupie’.” The fireman could go on to ask, “Do you want to have a boy friend or husband someday?, do you want him to be faithful and committed to you?” and add, “You must first give the respect that you wish to receive. Please, from now on, respect me and my family.”

    The truth is that most of us guys just get our egos all puffed up for a couple minutes by the girls who “wave at the firemen.” Rarely does it end up in a “stalker” situation like this woman described, which might take some or all of the approaches above.

    What I am seeking to do with my work is to help couples have the conversation, developing healthy strategies and plans for meeting each other’s fundamental needs on a conscious level rather than leaving it to chance that they will stumble across the magic formula to having a GREAT relationship.

    Have you EVER heard of someone leaving a partner who lit them up consistently, making them feel like a god or goddess? Or who they were constantly growing with and who they knew, without a doubt, they could count on to be there for them, to listen and understand? And who was fun to be around and consistently looking for new ways to make the relationship better? Have you ever heard of someone in that relationship filing for divorce or cheating just to feel important to someone, even for a minute? No? Me either.

    To help couples have AWESOME relationships — with themselves, each other, their kids, etc. That is my mission.

  • Women’s Beauty

    From the Woman’s Side of Things… “A woman knows down in her soul that she longs to bring beauty to the world,” says John Eldridge in Captivating. “Women ache over the issue of beauty — they ache to be beautiful, to believe they are, and they worry about keeping it, if ever they can find it.”

    Eldridge goes on to say, “She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with) but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just the culture or the need to ‘get a man’. This is in her heart, part of her design.”

    Bringing beauty to the world is one of the reasons I got into photography. I enjoy showing how beautiful overlooked, everyday things can be.

    There is beauty all around us. There is beauty abound in nature for no reason at all but just to be beautiful — take a sunrise or sunset for instance. There is beauty in all of us, men and women alike. But there is certainly something especially beautiful in women’s hearts; a radiant beauty in our hearts the world desperately needs. There is beauty in our desire to bring love and comfort to others, in our desire to bring peace to others. There is beauty in our strength and even in our stubbornness. There is beauty in our emotions and our intuitions. There is beauty in our storms.

    Our storms scare men sometimes. I’d say they aren’t meant to challenge the men in our life but sometimes they are. Women will storm regardless that is just our nature as feelers. But sometimes our storms are a test because we want assurance that we are loved, that we are seen, that we are captivating. If our men are strong in their love for us and stand strong as our rock, our storms will blow over quickly and without damage. They also would be few and far between.

    I think our beauty radiates clearly when we live closely to our true selves; when we live connected to our hearts. There is beauty in our hearts women. I urge us to stop questioning it. Let’s open our hearts and feel it. No matter what we look like, we are beautiful. You are beautiful. As we are true to our hearts others will see us as beautiful too.

    And just for practice repeat after me: I…   am…  beautiful. Good. Now with some feeling; connect with your heart and say it again: I…  AM…  beautiful.

    Good, because, you are.

    The Woman’s Side of Things posts are written by Amie Durocher.

  • Blame vs. Responsibility

    “A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an out-ward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. That alert attention is Presence. It is a prerequisite for any authentic relationship. The ego always either wants something or if it believes there is nothing to get from the other, it is in a state of utter indifference: It doesn’t care about you. And so, the three predominant states of an egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference.” — Eckhart Tolle

    This statement is packed with great stuff. Did you notice that blaming is one of the reactions of the unaware or egoic mind which is in the “thwarted wanting” state? What is blame? No really, what does it mean “to blame.” According to Webster it is, “to find fault with” or “to hold responsible.” That is just about what I would have expected to find.

    When we are in a relationship (or after one) what place does blame have? Can someone else literally force us to do anything? I would propose that the answer is “no.” Even under the threat of death can we truly be forced to do anything? I think what often happens is we are presented with a choice. We make a selection, sometimes from a place of total unconscious programming (beliefs, values, identity, etc.) which we justify consciously will move us closer to the life we think we want; or at least we will avoid pain (sometimes the least painful option) or at best give some pleasure or security. The reality — the results we are left with here in the real world — are often very different from what we were looking for.

    Once we become aware of the reality of our situation, sometimes from experiencing something painful — or a wake up call if you will — we find ourselves up to our eyeballs in the stinky stuff and we wonder, “How the hell did I get here?! WHO is responsible for this?!” If we are truly honest with ourselves the only real answer is “I AM.” Those two words hold the key to true freedom. I AM… responsible for this. Because it is not until we admit to ourselves, we are response-able (able to respond vs. react) for the results we are experiencing, that we are empowered to make changes and experience different results down the road. If we continue to place blame or responsibility outside ourselves, then we are living at the effect of others, of the world around us and are helpless to change things. When we take responsibility, we own our current results and those in the FUTURE.

    Tony Robbins says when we encounter a challenge or a problem there are really only two options: blame or solution. Blame is living at the effect. Solution is living at cause.

    I would also like to point out that there is no real benefit to getting stuck blaming ourselves for the choices and decisions we have made up to this point. Look at them; take responsibility for all of them, “good” and “bad” alike. Learn from them. When we learn something from an experience it looses the “good” or “bad” label and becomes a beneficial experience.

    When we truly learn the lessons our identity expands and we have more to offer those we love and the world at large. Are you carrying around hurt or pain from a past relationship or past choices? What choices could you now take responsibility for and learn from in order to transform them into an asset vs. the energy and life sucking liability they have been so far?

    Remember, the future has yet to be written, write yours on purpose!

  • You Are #1

    [I originally wrote this article as a fireman for other firefighters. It’s value remains for everyone.]

    It’s a Sunday morning at the fire station, the second half of a 48. Everyone is a bit groggy. We had a busy night but the person who is calling 911 right now doesn’t even think about that. They are experiencing an emergency and turn to us to solve their problem.  They turn to us for help and we respond. Every day thousands of us put our personal problems, wants and desires, on hold and we respond to the tone.  We put on our “game face” and walk with confidence and certainty, often bringing a sense of calm and comfort to a chaotic and uncomfortable situation. They need to believe that we have the answer. There is no 911 for us. We are 911.

    When we enter their lives with a simple —sometimes implied — question “what can we do for you today?” They know that somebody, anybody, is interested in only one thing at that moment — serving them. Most of us, unfortunately, do not experience that often enough. When was the last time you felt like someone in your life had only one thing to do right now, to BE with you? When was the last time you gave someone important to you in your personal life, that gift?

    I have a theory that this “one thing,” this “gift” we give our customers on a regular basis, is the one thing (more…)

  • Power of Words

    The message in this short film is simple, yet, it has the power to change our lives.

    How? When we are aware of the words we speak to others we are more tuned into the effect they have. Have you ever been hurt by someones words spoken to you? Have you ever hurt someone with your words? I know I have. At the same time we each have the ability to express our love, gratitude, appreciation and joy with words. There is also another realm where we use words. What are the words you use to speak to yourself? Do they tear you down or built you up. We all speak thousands of words every day whether to others or ourselves.

    Join me. From now on, let’s be more conscious and deliberate with the words we speak to ourselves and others. There is a lot of truth to the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I think we can take it further. I have a very good friend who, every time she meets someone, she has trained herself to ask one simple question, “What could I Love about this person?” What kind of a world would we create if we all came up with a similar question and practiced using it for the next 30 days until it was our default? Would your relationships with your kids, partners or coworkers change if you were having a different conversation on the inside? When you set an intention to make someone feel appreciated, for example, you access a whole different vocabulary than if you did not set that intention.

    Let’s agree to use words that build ourselves up and leaves each and every person we cross paths feeling … better.