Category: Coach Greg

  • Common Sense Ain’t So Common

    image002Have you heard that before? I have heard it around the firehouse and said it myself once or twice. When I was growing up we didn’t have much money. I am the youngest of 8, and the older kids would say I had it easy compared to before.

    I remember we had a pile of bikes, well probably 8-10 frames and a bunch of wheels. We would get out some of Dad’s tools and put together a bike from the parts. Often there was a big wheel in front and small in the back or visa versa and monkey bars and banana seats on bikes they just did not belong on. Sometimes it didn’t work out so good.

    One time this elderly couple came driving into the yard and there were my brothers, all bloody and screaming like crazy with a pile of bike parts in the truck. They had been riding down a dirt road and one brother’s handle bars just lifted right out of the forks, then the front wheel turned sideways and just came right off! This is called experiential learning. I guarantee he double checked that everything was tight from that day forward!

    We had a lot of experiences like that at our house and I believe that it is a fundamental key to cultivating “common sense”. It causes one to look beyond the thought in the moment and consider the natural outcome of the action we are about to take. It also, I believe, causes us to look for how things fit together or work. I think that is kind of the essence of “common sense”, being able to instinctively see how things fit together, or maybe more accurately, cause and effect relationships of things. We begin to intuitively understand, for example, that if I’m on my bike and I squeeze the brake handle and nothing happens then there is a cause for that experience then one starts to troubleshoot what might be causing the brakes to not work. We start to notice unique details that are relevant and assign meanings. If I squeeze the brake handle in and it collapses with no resistance maybe the cable broke, maybe it just came off the handle…and so on. Next we unconsciously ask, “What does it mean?” “I’m going to crash!” “I hate that I don’t have enough money to have a decent bike that isn’t falling apart!” “WOW! This is exciting!” “Hmmm. How am I going to solve this one?” “Boy! I sure am glad this bike has two brakes!”

    You see, our lives are full of events. Some of those events are the direct result of our actions and choices, some are not.  What most people don’t realize is that they have a choice to assign the meaning to the events. What we all tend to do, until we take control, is just accept the first meaning that pops into our head as “truth” and we believe it from that day forward. Rarely do we stop to ask ourselves “What else could this mean?”

    This is a powerful question because the meaning that we assign to any event is what tells our brain (mind) what emotion is the appropriate one. How many of you—now be honest—have gotten pissed off at your intimate partner for something you THOUGHT they did that you later found out they did not actually do? OK, maybe you haven’t had that exact experience but have you ever gotten upset at someone or something because of what you thought they did or did not do only to find out you were wrong?

    Yea, me too. So let me ask, what were we upset at, the reality of the situation (as it really was) OR the meaning we gave to what we thought we knew to be “true”? That’s right. The meaning we had assigned to the “reality” we observed and interpreted. So how powerful would it be in your relationship if you started to solve some of your problems up stream, at the cause, by asking yourself a higher quality question like, “What else could this mean?”

    Let’s say your partner is late. What is your first thought? Is it “they don’t respect me!” or “They are always late!”? STOP and ask yourself “What else could this mean?” You could choose to focus on some thing like, “I am so looking forward to seeing them when they get here,” “I hope they are safe” or “I trust that they are doing their best.”

    When you choose to change the meaning that you give the events of your life you are choosing to be in control of your emotional state. By choosing to live life in this manner you are choosing to exercise your common sense and address the cause of the problem which is within your power to change. In the words of Wayne Dyer (and others I’m sure), “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

    So starting today, let’s take the common sense we have developed “out there” in the physical world and apply it “in here” and start changing the way we look at things.

    Make it a great day!

  • When the ‘Firehouse Groupie’ Crushes on Your Husband

    The other day I was having an email conversation with a new acquaintance who is a “firefighter wife.” She brought up a scenario that has played out in virtually every fire department or station the country over. Her question was this, “What should a firefighter do when the underage young lady he is responding to becomes infatuated with him?  Tries to stop by the firehouse?  Tries to social network with him?  Tries to become his friend?”

    Here is what I came up with as a response:

    In a nutshell, the question that I think is important is, what is it that this kind of attention from a young lady sparks in a man? I believe it serves to light up his natural desire to be a hero/leader or just desired or wanted. In other words his fundamental human need of feeling significant. We ALL have it. The only question is, how is it being met?

    From the perspective of a firefighter turned Relationship Coach, I would be curious, does a fireman’s wife have the tools/strategies and willingness to “light him up?” Is he committed to lighting her up?

    It is unlikely they have ever had the conversation, if they did not consciously know they each have a fundamental NEED to feel significant or important. I assure you, if a married fireman (or any man) has a wife who is committed to meeting his 6 Human Needs at home he will tell any “young lady” to go find someone her own age to flirt with, saying “I got my WORLD at home.” Giving her an answer like that would interrupt her attention seeking pattern. The reality is that she is likely seeking to fill the same need of significance by her behavior. Two people who are both trying to feel significant will likely go down the same “unhealthy” path of meeting the need in each other (aka infidelity) given the absence of a healthy, positive, constructive and fulfilling option.

    OK so that is the likely structure of the problem as I see it. Seeking to fill the need for “significance”.

    How to handle it from a devoted fireman husband’s perspective?

    1. Compassion: I would hallucinate that young ladies exhibiting this behavior likely do not not have very high self worth. She is striving desperately to get attention from the firemen and possibly demeaning her true feminine nature in the process.
    2. Example: Give her an example of how a devoted man treasures his wife and family. Tell her, “I get everything I need and more from home. (assuming that is a true statement) Please stop…{whatever it is she is doing}.” She will now have a reference for how she deserves to be treated/treasured some day by someone else.
    3. Reframe: Go “dad” on her and ask her questions like, “Do you realize that you are making a fool of yourself?, do you realize that this behavior is making you look cheap?, or what is it that you are really looking for?” You can remind her, “You have everything you need within. Find it there and you will find your gift to give the world. I assure you will never find it by trying to be a ‘firehouse groupie’.” The fireman could go on to ask, “Do you want to have a boy friend or husband someday?, do you want him to be faithful and committed to you?” and add, “You must first give the respect that you wish to receive. Please, from now on, respect me and my family.”

    The truth is that most of us guys just get our egos all puffed up for a couple minutes by the girls who “wave at the firemen.” Rarely does it end up in a “stalker” situation like this woman described, which might take some or all of the approaches above.

    What I am seeking to do with my work is to help couples have the conversation, developing healthy strategies and plans for meeting each other’s fundamental needs on a conscious level rather than leaving it to chance that they will stumble across the magic formula to having a GREAT relationship.

    Have you EVER heard of someone leaving a partner who lit them up consistently, making them feel like a god or goddess? Or who they were constantly growing with and who they knew, without a doubt, they could count on to be there for them, to listen and understand? And who was fun to be around and consistently looking for new ways to make the relationship better? Have you ever heard of someone in that relationship filing for divorce or cheating just to feel important to someone, even for a minute? No? Me either.

    To help couples have AWESOME relationships — with themselves, each other, their kids, etc. That is my mission.

  • Blame vs. Responsibility

    “A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an out-ward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. That alert attention is Presence. It is a prerequisite for any authentic relationship. The ego always either wants something or if it believes there is nothing to get from the other, it is in a state of utter indifference: It doesn’t care about you. And so, the three predominant states of an egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference.” — Eckhart Tolle

    This statement is packed with great stuff. Did you notice that blaming is one of the reactions of the unaware or egoic mind which is in the “thwarted wanting” state? What is blame? No really, what does it mean “to blame.” According to Webster it is, “to find fault with” or “to hold responsible.” That is just about what I would have expected to find.

    When we are in a relationship (or after one) what place does blame have? Can someone else literally force us to do anything? I would propose that the answer is “no.” Even under the threat of death can we truly be forced to do anything? I think what often happens is we are presented with a choice. We make a selection, sometimes from a place of total unconscious programming (beliefs, values, identity, etc.) which we justify consciously will move us closer to the life we think we want; or at least we will avoid pain (sometimes the least painful option) or at best give some pleasure or security. The reality — the results we are left with here in the real world — are often very different from what we were looking for.

    Once we become aware of the reality of our situation, sometimes from experiencing something painful — or a wake up call if you will — we find ourselves up to our eyeballs in the stinky stuff and we wonder, “How the hell did I get here?! WHO is responsible for this?!” If we are truly honest with ourselves the only real answer is “I AM.” Those two words hold the key to true freedom. I AM… responsible for this. Because it is not until we admit to ourselves, we are response-able (able to respond vs. react) for the results we are experiencing, that we are empowered to make changes and experience different results down the road. If we continue to place blame or responsibility outside ourselves, then we are living at the effect of others, of the world around us and are helpless to change things. When we take responsibility, we own our current results and those in the FUTURE.

    Tony Robbins says when we encounter a challenge or a problem there are really only two options: blame or solution. Blame is living at the effect. Solution is living at cause.

    I would also like to point out that there is no real benefit to getting stuck blaming ourselves for the choices and decisions we have made up to this point. Look at them; take responsibility for all of them, “good” and “bad” alike. Learn from them. When we learn something from an experience it looses the “good” or “bad” label and becomes a beneficial experience.

    When we truly learn the lessons our identity expands and we have more to offer those we love and the world at large. Are you carrying around hurt or pain from a past relationship or past choices? What choices could you now take responsibility for and learn from in order to transform them into an asset vs. the energy and life sucking liability they have been so far?

    Remember, the future has yet to be written, write yours on purpose!

  • You Are #1

    [I originally wrote this article as a fireman for other firefighters. It’s value remains for everyone.]

    It’s a Sunday morning at the fire station, the second half of a 48. Everyone is a bit groggy. We had a busy night but the person who is calling 911 right now doesn’t even think about that. They are experiencing an emergency and turn to us to solve their problem.  They turn to us for help and we respond. Every day thousands of us put our personal problems, wants and desires, on hold and we respond to the tone.  We put on our “game face” and walk with confidence and certainty, often bringing a sense of calm and comfort to a chaotic and uncomfortable situation. They need to believe that we have the answer. There is no 911 for us. We are 911.

    When we enter their lives with a simple —sometimes implied — question “what can we do for you today?” They know that somebody, anybody, is interested in only one thing at that moment — serving them. Most of us, unfortunately, do not experience that often enough. When was the last time you felt like someone in your life had only one thing to do right now, to BE with you? When was the last time you gave someone important to you in your personal life, that gift?

    I have a theory that this “one thing,” this “gift” we give our customers on a regular basis, is the one thing (more…)

  • Power of Words

    The message in this short film is simple, yet, it has the power to change our lives.

    How? When we are aware of the words we speak to others we are more tuned into the effect they have. Have you ever been hurt by someones words spoken to you? Have you ever hurt someone with your words? I know I have. At the same time we each have the ability to express our love, gratitude, appreciation and joy with words. There is also another realm where we use words. What are the words you use to speak to yourself? Do they tear you down or built you up. We all speak thousands of words every day whether to others or ourselves.

    Join me. From now on, let’s be more conscious and deliberate with the words we speak to ourselves and others. There is a lot of truth to the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I think we can take it further. I have a very good friend who, every time she meets someone, she has trained herself to ask one simple question, “What could I Love about this person?” What kind of a world would we create if we all came up with a similar question and practiced using it for the next 30 days until it was our default? Would your relationships with your kids, partners or coworkers change if you were having a different conversation on the inside? When you set an intention to make someone feel appreciated, for example, you access a whole different vocabulary than if you did not set that intention.

    Let’s agree to use words that build ourselves up and leaves each and every person we cross paths feeling … better.